Didn't get too far.

So, when I had made this account I was expecting to keep up with it. Apparently that didn't happen.

I had a realization today, and ... it's a tough one.

I was thinking to myself why I don't try harder to lose weight. Why, the idea almost scares me. It's not the fact that it would be hard work, because all good things in life take work.
It's something much worse.

I'm scared...

I have been big my entire life, and it's a VERY easy way to rationalize being unhappy and alone. I mean, just thinking everyone else is shallow and won't get close enough to know the "real" you is easy. The hard part is realizing that YOU are the one not letting anyone get to know you. Not letting anyone in. That YOU are the one who doesn't love yourself. Being fat is easy.. Blaming others for your problems is easy. Taking responsibility and really putting yourself out there is the hard part. My fear is, I will lose the weight, be reasonably pretty and.. nothing will change. No one will love me. Then it's my personality that people don't like, and not my looks. Which is just FAR worse.

What do you do when you don't love yourself? How is that fixed? How do you stop feeling alone because you've isolated yourself? And unfortunately I don't think I can get into shape and feel better physically until I feel better mentally.

A life of running from my problems instead of facing them has finally caught up with me. I need to change something, I just don't know what or how. It's not only about not being lonely, it's about being responsible. I want so badly to prove to everyone that I can take care of myself, but I keep failing. It's almost what's expected of me, and that's completely shot my self-esteem. I'm very self-destructive. With everything, work, relationships, responsibility, school. I MAKE myself fail. I'm afraid if I REALLY try that I will fail. But if I only do things half way, it doesn't matter if I fail.

I just need....


.... to grow up.