Didn't get too far.

So, when I had made this account I was expecting to keep up with it. Apparently that didn't happen.

I had a realization today, and ... it's a tough one.

I was thinking to myself why I don't try harder to lose weight. Why, the idea almost scares me. It's not the fact that it would be hard work, because all good things in life take work.
It's something much worse.

I'm scared...

I have been big my entire life, and it's a VERY easy way to rationalize being unhappy and alone. I mean, just thinking everyone else is shallow and won't get close enough to know the "real" you is easy. The hard part is realizing that YOU are the one not letting anyone get to know you. Not letting anyone in. That YOU are the one who doesn't love yourself. Being fat is easy.. Blaming others for your problems is easy. Taking responsibility and really putting yourself out there is the hard part. My fear is, I will lose the weight, be reasonably pretty and.. nothing will change. No one will love me. Then it's my personality that people don't like, and not my looks. Which is just FAR worse.

What do you do when you don't love yourself? How is that fixed? How do you stop feeling alone because you've isolated yourself? And unfortunately I don't think I can get into shape and feel better physically until I feel better mentally.

A life of running from my problems instead of facing them has finally caught up with me. I need to change something, I just don't know what or how. It's not only about not being lonely, it's about being responsible. I want so badly to prove to everyone that I can take care of myself, but I keep failing. It's almost what's expected of me, and that's completely shot my self-esteem. I'm very self-destructive. With everything, work, relationships, responsibility, school. I MAKE myself fail. I'm afraid if I REALLY try that I will fail. But if I only do things half way, it doesn't matter if I fail.

I just need....


.... to grow up.

Sickness

I always forget how miserable it is to be sick. A simple cold can completely ruin your weekend. What's worse, is that I'm sick in summer. It's about 100 degrees outside. Not exactly the kind of weather that makes you want to lay in bed all day. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't relax, I'm just sick.

In other news, my car is fixed, which is a huge relief. Now I just have to worry about school, and money. But what else is new?

Recently, I've realized how much I have matured in the past year or so. Although I have a LONG way to go, it's nice to see the progress. Amanda and I went to see "Super bad," which looked somewhat alluring from the previews. Anyways, it was a complete letdown. There were all kinds of people my age, from my school who were there watching it, and they were all laughing hysterically. Amanda and I, on the other hand, were bored. I was rather disgusted by the immaturity of it. I just don't see how it's so amusing. I don't know, maybe I'm a prude, maybe I'm naive. Or maybe it's something more, something better. Maybe I see the meaning behind life, and rules, and holding on to values that so many others throw away.

Whatever it is, I am definitely different from many of my peers. It could be why it's hard for me to find good friends, they're all so jaded by worldly things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, not even close. But I do see the value in certain things.

For one thing, I like being an optimist. Even in my teenage depression, I was optimistic. I knew it wouldn't last forever, even though my state of mind at the time told me different. Even now, in my thirst for change, I know that if I work hard enough things will get better. I look forward to unknown of the future. There are still many opportunities and possibilities that are open to me. I just hope I have the courage and strength to reach out and grab them.

The beginning

Everyone Has to start somewhere...

It seems that I've spent a large portion of my life waiting for it to start. It took me 20 years to realize that I'm missing out on all the wonderful things that I should be relishing. As a child, I had all kinds of dreams, and fantasies. Nothing too outrageous, just things that were not well thought-out. I've always expected things to just happen for me, without having to try to hard, I've recently realized that is not the way that life works, and I'm glad.

Hard work is essential to happiness. I never realized that until my more recent bout of unemployment. Although I am only 20 (and was 19 at the time), going without a job for 3 months, because I had been fired is not an easy feat. Especially since I was supposed to be paying for my own things, and saving up to move out of my sisters home. Life is just full of suprises....

What does it mean to be truly happy?

Happiness
1. The quality or state of being happy.
2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

At the moment, I couldn't honestly say that I was happy. I am somewhat content, but I know that I could do better. I know that if I work hard enough, and am patient enough, I could do better. There are so many things about myself that bother me, but they're all things I could change. I just don't understand why I don't do it. Why not take that first step? Change a bad habit? I've done far too many things in the past that I regret, to risk doing them again. I think that's why I'm so hesitant to change. I'm safe the way that I am. "Better safe then sorry." The phrase echos in my mind. What's so great about safety? In certain things it's essential, but not in this case. Staying a safe distance away from people, not letting them get close enough to hurt you. It's no way to live, and it's the surest way to end up alone.

Moving on...

From this point on, things are going to be different. I want to be happy with who I am, and what I'm doing, and shout it to the world. Even writing this blog is one step closer to being comfortable in my own skin... Hopefully my next blogs will be slightly shorter, and more sorted.