Ponder, ponder.... Porque?

First...  I do not think of myself as a highly intellectual person.  So, no, I don't feel my thoughts on life are all that important.  BUT, I am writing about this because I feel I need more deep thought, and writing is a good way to get your brain working and..  oh, pondering.

So, thus starts the "Random quote and response section".

I am going to pick a book off of my bookshelf and take a quote from it, then reflect on what that quote could mean to me in my present state of mind or being. Or just babble on until I am sufficiently bored.

#1. This quote is an interview of a schizophrenic;

"'What else do the neighbors do?'
     'They put all kinds of lies in the papers about me.'
'What paper?'
     'The morning paper.  They change the names around so they will puzzle people.'
'What names do they substitute for you?'
     'Hitler and Mussolini'"
'Are you Hitler?'
     'I don't know.  You can tell by the stars and my handwriting.'"

-Abnormal Psychology  By James D. Page 

     I realize this is rather sad that this person has a disease that puts them at such a distance from reality, but when I think about it, it seems safe for them.  Never having to deal with reality because that's not the world you live in.  Granted, some of the worlds these people live in are much worse than reality, so I do not envy them.  But, knowing that what you see isn't real, I wonder if they believe that real things are fake, and fake things are real?

    Would you be able to pick and choose what you want to be real and what you want to be fake?  Accept only the good and reject the bad?  Ever since I was young I wanted to work with the.. disturbed people.  The ones with real problems.  Even the Sociopaths.  I stopped wanting to be a psychiatrist because I knew I would end up talking to people that are stressed out or just want someone to talk to.  And as much as I think it's sometimes a noble cause, I don't think I could listen to it all day.  I don't think I could be kind and caring to everyone.  I would get to a point where I would want to yell and scream to GET OVER IT! 

     But then that would make me a real hypocrite, considering I go through the same every day struggles and issues and don't seem to be making that much progress myself.  Lately I have been trying arts and crafts, and writing, anything to help me get in touch with my real feelings.  It's hard, after burying them deep down for so long.  Changing old habits, not the easiest thing in the world.  But for now, this is one of my attempts at keeping my sanity, and hopefully one day, to find peace with myself.

 Just because... I took this picture, and seals are plump and lazy.

...

The Beginning of the End.



The end is near, little one.
The days when the world never fails.
The Times when people never go.
Soon the bubble you are in will blow.
Blow into the wind, only to fall again.
To be shattered on the rigid rocks.
To Never feel the freedom of wind again.
Never to be gazed and admired,
Only to be mocked and forgotten.

If only, if only
You were stronger.
If only, if only
You had been wiser.

If onlys are too late
Too far gone
The time is now
The battle CAN'T be won.
Resign yourself, little one.
For the war has just begun.

Reflection

Here I am, a few years later..

What has changed? On the outside, not much. On the inside, more than I would like.

I had never known true grief before. I didn't understand what real loss was. That all changed on October 25, 2009. One of my best friends passed away, she was only 22 years old.

I will never understand why she is gone, as I'm sure no one does. And I will never forgive myself for shutting her out the last week of her life. I thought I was doing it for her own good, to prove a point, to make her change. Instead, I may have made her feel more alone than ever. She was my best friend. We used to talk for hours about anything we could think of. I could confide in her and know she wouldn't judge me in any way. She always knew how to make me feel better.

It has been over a year and a half now. Every day it gets easier to talk about her. To remember the good memories. But there are times when I still try to text her, when I have the urge to invite her to an event, then it all comes back to me. I am forever changed.

"Who can say that I've been changed for the better? Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
-Wicked Broadway Musical 'For Good'

This is the first 'blog' or journal entry I have written about her. I was hoping it would be therapeutic but I'm not quite sure. Maybe for future posts I will try putting fond memories I have of her.

Fond Memory #1:
After spending time together once or twice, someone asked Amber if she and I were friends, and she said "Are you kidding? We are BEST friends." She always knew how to make me feel loved/included.


You will always be close to my heart. Amber Lee Friesmuth.