Ponder, ponder.... Porque?

First...  I do not think of myself as a highly intellectual person.  So, no, I don't feel my thoughts on life are all that important.  BUT, I am writing about this because I feel I need more deep thought, and writing is a good way to get your brain working and..  oh, pondering.

So, thus starts the "Random quote and response section".

I am going to pick a book off of my bookshelf and take a quote from it, then reflect on what that quote could mean to me in my present state of mind or being. Or just babble on until I am sufficiently bored.

#1. This quote is an interview of a schizophrenic;

"'What else do the neighbors do?'
     'They put all kinds of lies in the papers about me.'
'What paper?'
     'The morning paper.  They change the names around so they will puzzle people.'
'What names do they substitute for you?'
     'Hitler and Mussolini'"
'Are you Hitler?'
     'I don't know.  You can tell by the stars and my handwriting.'"

-Abnormal Psychology  By James D. Page 

     I realize this is rather sad that this person has a disease that puts them at such a distance from reality, but when I think about it, it seems safe for them.  Never having to deal with reality because that's not the world you live in.  Granted, some of the worlds these people live in are much worse than reality, so I do not envy them.  But, knowing that what you see isn't real, I wonder if they believe that real things are fake, and fake things are real?

    Would you be able to pick and choose what you want to be real and what you want to be fake?  Accept only the good and reject the bad?  Ever since I was young I wanted to work with the.. disturbed people.  The ones with real problems.  Even the Sociopaths.  I stopped wanting to be a psychiatrist because I knew I would end up talking to people that are stressed out or just want someone to talk to.  And as much as I think it's sometimes a noble cause, I don't think I could listen to it all day.  I don't think I could be kind and caring to everyone.  I would get to a point where I would want to yell and scream to GET OVER IT! 

     But then that would make me a real hypocrite, considering I go through the same every day struggles and issues and don't seem to be making that much progress myself.  Lately I have been trying arts and crafts, and writing, anything to help me get in touch with my real feelings.  It's hard, after burying them deep down for so long.  Changing old habits, not the easiest thing in the world.  But for now, this is one of my attempts at keeping my sanity, and hopefully one day, to find peace with myself.

 Just because... I took this picture, and seals are plump and lazy.

...

The Beginning of the End.



The end is near, little one.
The days when the world never fails.
The Times when people never go.
Soon the bubble you are in will blow.
Blow into the wind, only to fall again.
To be shattered on the rigid rocks.
To Never feel the freedom of wind again.
Never to be gazed and admired,
Only to be mocked and forgotten.

If only, if only
You were stronger.
If only, if only
You had been wiser.

If onlys are too late
Too far gone
The time is now
The battle CAN'T be won.
Resign yourself, little one.
For the war has just begun.

Reflection

Here I am, a few years later..

What has changed? On the outside, not much. On the inside, more than I would like.

I had never known true grief before. I didn't understand what real loss was. That all changed on October 25, 2009. One of my best friends passed away, she was only 22 years old.

I will never understand why she is gone, as I'm sure no one does. And I will never forgive myself for shutting her out the last week of her life. I thought I was doing it for her own good, to prove a point, to make her change. Instead, I may have made her feel more alone than ever. She was my best friend. We used to talk for hours about anything we could think of. I could confide in her and know she wouldn't judge me in any way. She always knew how to make me feel better.

It has been over a year and a half now. Every day it gets easier to talk about her. To remember the good memories. But there are times when I still try to text her, when I have the urge to invite her to an event, then it all comes back to me. I am forever changed.

"Who can say that I've been changed for the better? Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
-Wicked Broadway Musical 'For Good'

This is the first 'blog' or journal entry I have written about her. I was hoping it would be therapeutic but I'm not quite sure. Maybe for future posts I will try putting fond memories I have of her.

Fond Memory #1:
After spending time together once or twice, someone asked Amber if she and I were friends, and she said "Are you kidding? We are BEST friends." She always knew how to make me feel loved/included.


You will always be close to my heart. Amber Lee Friesmuth.

Politics please?

Well, today I did my civic duty and headed over to the polls. I am not going to post what/who I did and did not vote for.. but I do want to get out some random thoughts on government in general.

When does a nation know it's time to reform their government? In the past Kings would be preforming genocide, or just taxing the people so much they were all starving in the streets. Now, it's not quite that obvious, so how do you know how BAD it really is?

I was just thinking about the Colonials, and how they worked up the courage to demand representation. To jump into the unknown. Not knowing if they would A) Win and B) If the new government they created would be any better then the previous one. What a scary thought, trying to change things, to make them better and everything just being worse!

I do think that people, as a whole need to change and progress. But not all change is good. Not all experiences make you a better or wiser person. Unfortunately, we do not have hindsight for what's to come. One choice that might seem simple to us now could be detrimental later. It's the unknown, it's scary and thrilling at the same time.

I am going to try to look to the future with hope, rather then fear. Right now is a very scary time, there is so much bad going on around us that we sometimes miss the good. Lets see how this election turns out!

Didn't get too far.

So, when I had made this account I was expecting to keep up with it. Apparently that didn't happen.

I had a realization today, and ... it's a tough one.

I was thinking to myself why I don't try harder to lose weight. Why, the idea almost scares me. It's not the fact that it would be hard work, because all good things in life take work.
It's something much worse.

I'm scared...

I have been big my entire life, and it's a VERY easy way to rationalize being unhappy and alone. I mean, just thinking everyone else is shallow and won't get close enough to know the "real" you is easy. The hard part is realizing that YOU are the one not letting anyone get to know you. Not letting anyone in. That YOU are the one who doesn't love yourself. Being fat is easy.. Blaming others for your problems is easy. Taking responsibility and really putting yourself out there is the hard part. My fear is, I will lose the weight, be reasonably pretty and.. nothing will change. No one will love me. Then it's my personality that people don't like, and not my looks. Which is just FAR worse.

What do you do when you don't love yourself? How is that fixed? How do you stop feeling alone because you've isolated yourself? And unfortunately I don't think I can get into shape and feel better physically until I feel better mentally.

A life of running from my problems instead of facing them has finally caught up with me. I need to change something, I just don't know what or how. It's not only about not being lonely, it's about being responsible. I want so badly to prove to everyone that I can take care of myself, but I keep failing. It's almost what's expected of me, and that's completely shot my self-esteem. I'm very self-destructive. With everything, work, relationships, responsibility, school. I MAKE myself fail. I'm afraid if I REALLY try that I will fail. But if I only do things half way, it doesn't matter if I fail.

I just need....


.... to grow up.

Sickness

I always forget how miserable it is to be sick. A simple cold can completely ruin your weekend. What's worse, is that I'm sick in summer. It's about 100 degrees outside. Not exactly the kind of weather that makes you want to lay in bed all day. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't relax, I'm just sick.

In other news, my car is fixed, which is a huge relief. Now I just have to worry about school, and money. But what else is new?

Recently, I've realized how much I have matured in the past year or so. Although I have a LONG way to go, it's nice to see the progress. Amanda and I went to see "Super bad," which looked somewhat alluring from the previews. Anyways, it was a complete letdown. There were all kinds of people my age, from my school who were there watching it, and they were all laughing hysterically. Amanda and I, on the other hand, were bored. I was rather disgusted by the immaturity of it. I just don't see how it's so amusing. I don't know, maybe I'm a prude, maybe I'm naive. Or maybe it's something more, something better. Maybe I see the meaning behind life, and rules, and holding on to values that so many others throw away.

Whatever it is, I am definitely different from many of my peers. It could be why it's hard for me to find good friends, they're all so jaded by worldly things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, not even close. But I do see the value in certain things.

For one thing, I like being an optimist. Even in my teenage depression, I was optimistic. I knew it wouldn't last forever, even though my state of mind at the time told me different. Even now, in my thirst for change, I know that if I work hard enough things will get better. I look forward to unknown of the future. There are still many opportunities and possibilities that are open to me. I just hope I have the courage and strength to reach out and grab them.

The beginning

Everyone Has to start somewhere...

It seems that I've spent a large portion of my life waiting for it to start. It took me 20 years to realize that I'm missing out on all the wonderful things that I should be relishing. As a child, I had all kinds of dreams, and fantasies. Nothing too outrageous, just things that were not well thought-out. I've always expected things to just happen for me, without having to try to hard, I've recently realized that is not the way that life works, and I'm glad.

Hard work is essential to happiness. I never realized that until my more recent bout of unemployment. Although I am only 20 (and was 19 at the time), going without a job for 3 months, because I had been fired is not an easy feat. Especially since I was supposed to be paying for my own things, and saving up to move out of my sisters home. Life is just full of suprises....

What does it mean to be truly happy?

Happiness
1. The quality or state of being happy.
2. Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

At the moment, I couldn't honestly say that I was happy. I am somewhat content, but I know that I could do better. I know that if I work hard enough, and am patient enough, I could do better. There are so many things about myself that bother me, but they're all things I could change. I just don't understand why I don't do it. Why not take that first step? Change a bad habit? I've done far too many things in the past that I regret, to risk doing them again. I think that's why I'm so hesitant to change. I'm safe the way that I am. "Better safe then sorry." The phrase echos in my mind. What's so great about safety? In certain things it's essential, but not in this case. Staying a safe distance away from people, not letting them get close enough to hurt you. It's no way to live, and it's the surest way to end up alone.

Moving on...

From this point on, things are going to be different. I want to be happy with who I am, and what I'm doing, and shout it to the world. Even writing this blog is one step closer to being comfortable in my own skin... Hopefully my next blogs will be slightly shorter, and more sorted.